Slice of Life
03.05.10
Rodolphus walked into the hall, his belly preceding him by a good ten inches. The annual Soulgatherers’ Banquet was in full swing, the waiters struggling to keep up with the demand for the delectable slices. His gaze swept the room until he saw the group he was looking for: Antimus, Tenemius and Tarsus – seven chins between them, three of them Tarsus’s alone. With them stood a young fellow who could only be a new recruit – he was thin as a rake. Not for much longer, thought Rodolphus with a wry smile as he wandered over to his friends.
“Ah, Rodolphus!” Antimus greeted him. “Have you met Bespus? He has recently joined the ranks of the Gatherers of Area Equatoria. And not a moment too soon, we’ve been rushed off our feet after those dreadful landslides in Morocco.” A cordial conversation ensued on the perils of being understaffed and having to rush through something as sensitive as the ferrying of souls to the Otherworld.
“Telling a soul they will have to have their memories permanently extracted from them before they can join the Otherworld is bad enough when you’re telling them individually, in private,” said Tenemius, also of Area Equatoria. “To have to break such news to a group of souls at once due to being short-staffed is something I wish to never experience again.”
“Speaking of memories…” Rodolphus brought their attention to the waiter standing discreetly next to them, his tray held aloft. Tarsus eagerly picked a slice from the tray; it was plump, pink in the middle and marbled with sumptuous fat. He put the entire thing in his mouth and closed his eyes, savouring it. The others waited to hear Tarsus’s verdict.
“Strong and very rich. Sweet, but not overbearingly so,” he said. “A proud father watching his daughter graduate from University. She spent most of her final year undergoing chemotherapy, but is now in remission.” The others nodded in appreciation of what must have been a wonderful slice.
Antimus and Tenemius were next; they too picked plump slices. Antimus’s was a dark red colour whereas Tenemius had chosen a more purple hue, but both slices had plenty of marbling.
“A woman,” said Antimus. “She is in Paris, by the Seine. A young man is on his knee in front of her, proposing.” He smiled at the others. “A little bland perhaps, but still sweet.”
“A man,” said Tenemius. “Golf tournament. He has just defeated the man his wife left him for.” He was about to continue, but then grimaced. “Actually, this one has a bit of an aftertaste.”
“Bespus, my dear fellow,” said Rodolphus, “why don’t you go next?” They all watched closely as the new recruit selected his first slice of life. Bespus took a quick look around at his corpulent colleagues and selected the leanest looking piece on the tray. The others exchanged weary looks as he put it into his mouth. None of them looked surprised when Bespus’s eyes opened wide in a horrified look. He started retching and ran out of the room clutching his throat.
“Maybe we should have warned him,” said Rodolphus.
“No one warned us when we were new,” said Antimus. “It’s tradition.”
“It must have been a particularly bad one, did you see that look on his face?” said Tenemius.
“Do you all remember your first slice?” asked Rodolphus his eyes downcast.
“Of course – how could I forget,” said Antimus. “A little boy being forced to watch as some hoodlums cut off the ears of his pet dog. I never thought dogs could scream, as such, but…”
“Mine was a woman giving birth,” said Tenemius. “After eight miscarriages she had finally brought a child to term. It was stillborn.”
“A woman for me, too. Dragged into an alleyway. Four attackers,” said Rodolphus. They all looked at Tarsus, who had gone very pale. He stayed silent for a bit longer before continuing in a whisper.
“A girl. Six years old. Her stepfather…” He did not continue, instead seeking out a waiter in great haste. He selected a fatty slice and wolfed it down; the colour returned to his face and he smiled again.
“Boy. 8th birthday. Shiny red bicycle,” he said, smiling now.
Bespus rejoined the group, looking haggard; his cheekbones were more prominent than they had been earlier. The others patted him on the back and led him to a tray of slices. Rodolphus picked the fattiest one he could find and ordered him to eat it.
“A good slice of life has plenty of fat – always remember that,” he told the young fellow, and Bespus nodded; he ate the slice and his sunken cheeks filled out again.
“A man. His 90th birthday party.” The young Gatherer’s eyes brightened now as he understood. “Most of his family are there, and he has just witnessed his great-grandson’s first steps. He knows it will most likely be his last birthday so he is making sure he enjoys this one.” Bespus looked down at his stomach and could see it was no longer as flat as it had been when he had arrived at the banquet. He smiled at the others and shrugged.
A loud cheer broke out at the other end of the room, followed by raucous laughter and clapping. The group turned to see a Gatherer looking very red-faced but sporting an enormous grin.
“It’s Dorus,” exclaimed Rodolphus, his eyes wide. “The lucky devil. I have been a Gatherer for ten years longer than he and have yet to chance upon a spicy slice.”
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Tags: Flash Fiction, fridayflash, Horror, Science Fiction, Writing
What an idea; “slice of life.” Brilliant. Thanks, Mazz.
Oh, this was engaging, endearing, horrifying and hilarious by turns. You packed so much into this! I think I’ll go have a bowl of fattening ice cream now…
Wow! I am amazed at your imagination. This was truly creative storytelling at it’s best – eating a slice of life! It is true, the best slice of life is full of fat! Ha!
From the description, I thought it was spam.
Just Great!
Brilliant idea. Slice of life. I get it! Dialogue was ace, you are such a master of words.
Gross and funny and sad all at the same time. I want a spicy slice too!
Wow, you were right about the warning of the title! This had a little bit of everything. . . along with great dialogue and a great imagination from the author. Well done.
Jim
Amazingly creative, humorous, and fabulous dialogue.
Last line made me laugh out loud! I imagine it was x-rated spice which delighted and embarrassed, heh.
This was wonderful!
Wow, wow and oh wow. Fantastic. An emotional roller coaster with a wicked ending.
Soulgatherers Ball – wonderful concept. They may be rushed off their feet, but still time to squeeze in a jolly up I notice… Love the logic of the initiation tradition that states ‘cos no one warned me, therefore why should anyone warn them…’ that is so true to all associations in life.
Years ago I wrote a play about an advertising agency who’d got the contract to relaunch an ailing Satan’s career (it was the height of Thatcherism & Saatchi & Saatchi) and since the Devil was on his last legs (corrupted souls had poisoned him) and his eyesight was poor, the Ad agency brought him frozen prawns as nibbles and told him they were human souls – so I know where you’re coming from with this wicked tale. Great stuff.
great dialogue, clever and twisted.
Great idea, good dialogue.
(From personal experience I would argue that the bad memories have more substance to them, but you are surely right the good ones are more – uhm, nurturing?)
Very clever and well written.
And as a man that treasures his memories above little else… a little disturbing too.
Hah! They can come for my memories when the time is ripe but I’ve been self-medicating with red wine for years now to get rid of them.
Excellent concept, excellently told, as ever. If I can offer one piece of advice for any potential re-writes – make it a cat next time. I really like dogs.
Great dialogue, great concept, chilled me to the bone.
Gasp! They *take* your memories?!
Mazzz, I agree: “A good slice of life has plenty of fat…” Death and food are a juicy combination. And I like Anton’s suggestion – I might pickle myself in pepper vodka.
Simon.
Excellent, excellent slice of life. How clever. Your descriptions are second to none.
Intense!
Best pun on slice of life I’ve ever read. Well done!
Hilarious, horrifying, imaginative and so literal, if you know what I mean.
Quite an interesting spin on a “Slice of life” story. Very intriguing. I enjoyed reading this one.
The first line brought a smile to my face even though I wasn’t sure where the story was going to go… and it just became progressively more intriguing. I love the idea of literal slices of life, although why do the souls need to have their memories purged?
Damn! I pressed submit too soon. All I wanted to say was I enjoyed this piece quite a lot — the idea is rather unique, and the slightly whimsical tone was very refreshing.
Thanks all for reading and commenting, and generally brightening my day!
@ A. M. Harte – I think the memories need to be purged so that the souls can move into the Otherworld with their slates wiped clean…
That and, well, the memories are just so damn tasty…
Absolutely brilliant. What an original idea. I am sure you can find a place to publish this one. Maybe even contest worthy. So well done.
What can I say that the others haven’t? Your twists and turns and ‘slice of life’ moment at the end was PERFECT. Loved it, Mazz. Miss reading you.
Wow. This one packed a lot of punch. Brilliantly written.
Makes me glad I’m vegan. hehe 😉
Very clever Mazzz. I enjoyed reading this.
While I have to say that I’m happy I didn’t have time to get to this at lunch, I’m impressed with the complexity of the sotry. My favorite parts: “his belly preceding him by a good ten inches” reminds me of my dear departed father and the fact that they were short-staffed–I appreciate your layering the mundane over the fantastical.
Amazing idea, amazingly well presented.
And I’m with Marisa, the last line made me grin with glee!
I’m horrified, but reflective at the same time. Brilliant.
Plenty of fat. I’ll remember that.
Brilliant concept and well executed. The soul gatherers fattening on our memories. Horrible but funny idea and great play on words…
Mazz, I can’t remember ever reading a short with this much imagination. It was brilliant!
I thought this was wonderful. It seems like it’s pretty fertile ground for a larger story. There’s so much you could do with this.
I hope you selected “slice of life” for the genre in Jon’s collector 😛
Mazzz, once again, you get the “Wow.” So much for trying to eat healthy with that bunch! I like how you took the concept and made it literal.
CD
Strange, I thought I already commented on this. It was some amazing wordplay but also gruesome at the same time. Not sure how to feel about this, but well done, madame.
Parts amusing, parts horrifying. I wish I hadn’t just eaten. Stomach’s upset now…
Ah, another that will haunt me, am absolutely fascinated by this idea. And at least one ‘euw’ again! 🙂
Love the idea that the happy slices are the fatty slices. Superb idea executed with style. 🙂
Am I mistaken, or is it only men who get to consume the good bits? I must have misread this. The Queen of Horror could not have made such a mistake!!!
Congrats for another memory maker.
Barb Relyea
Well done! I was cringing at the descriptions of their first slices. Very creative idea.
What a horribly gruesomely delicious piece of imaginative writing.