Size Matters
03.26.10
The story I was initially aiming to post for today’s #fridayflash didn’t seem to want to be finished yesterday. Instead, have something silly (well, sillier than my usual…).
It was written as an exercise for the Writers faction of the Leeds Savage Club, inspired by Edgar Allen Poe’s How to Write a Blackwood Article:
1. If you mean ‘bread and butter’, do not by any means say it outright. You may say anything and everything leading up to and around it. But if ‘bread and butter’ be your real meaning, be cautious, and never say it.
2. Every article must include a misquoted French, Latin or Greek saying, such as the use of ‘cul – de – sac’ in the article ‘The Spanish Fly who Never Stopped Dancing’ : “I put my good dancing ability down to being born with a certain cul-de-sac….”
3. The article must be, objectively and positively, absolute nonsense!
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Terry Sterns, 1979 – 2010
The world today mourns a man who was – quite literally – larger than life. Terry “Big T” Sterns was found dead last night in his home in Beeston, Leeds. Made famous by the BBC documentary exposing the very real disorder known as Bigorexia, Sterns was always trying to get bigger, despite weighing 300 pounds at 5’9″ and only four percent bodyfat.
But he wasn’t always this big. At the age of 25, Sterns weighed in at a very skinny 135 pounds and he blamed this, along with the fact that he was a post-graduate student of Chemistry, for his lack of success with the ladies. He decided to rectify this by joining his local gym, a “spit and sawdust” establishment called Vile Bodies. There he struck a friendship with Tony Heathcote, a man of impressive musculature who made no secret of his liberal use of anabolic steroids. Sterns admonished his friend for this, pointing out all the dangers associated with drugs like these. He could not argue, however, that Heathcote was in the rudest of health.
Sterns worked hard in the gym and his confidence grew along with his pectorals, quadriceps et al. Over the next few years he consumed a few battery farms’ worth of chickens and enough whey to sink armies of Miss Muffets. His weight reached 200 pounds and then his growth seemed to come to an abrupt halt. He was devastated – this was as far as Mother Nature could take him, and it just wasn’t enough; he still felt small, especially when comparing himself to Heathcote. He finally succumbed and asked his friend for drug-related advice. Over the next few months, he was delighted to see more and more growth; his trapezius had risen to half way up his neck and he had to get his trousers tailor-made as the size of his thighs was so much at odds with his slender waist.
The more muscle Sterns added to his frame, the more he wanted to add even more. He started injecting steroids directly into his muscles in the hope that the faster absorption would have a positive effect; it did. This kept him happy for a few more years, and he reached a size where he was starting to make a name for himself in the world of chemically enhanced muscle growth. When it once again slowed down, he knew he would have to do something drastic to kick-start it again. He spent a few months in a homegrown laboratory where he attempted to put together the most potent combination of Somatotropin, Dianabol and Trenbolone. Scanning the local newspapers of that time, this journalist unearthed numerous reports of abnormally large rats terrorising neighbourhood cats and whippets.
During the final year of his life, Sterns could be seen walking around Leeds with a drip; his research had uncovered that, while drug quantities were of course important, the frequency of ingestion was paramount to success. His trapezius muscles now started up by his earlobes and his pectorals were no doubt the envy of many a Page Three model. His latissimi dorsi were of such magnitude that he was unable to lower his arms much below the horizontal, and it was this rather than his first initial that earned him the nickname “Big T”.
The documentary Bigorexia which he starred in made him a nationwide celebrity and he had been earning good money by making appearances at weddings and christenings. He was a great success at events such as these as he was, above all, a very likeable character; it was said that he never had a bon mot to say about anybody.
He was found last night after his next door neighbour, Edna Bell, went to investigate a noise like a small explosion coming from the direction of his kitchen. Mrs Bell called the police immediately after seeing Sterns splattered all over the kitchen walls and ceiling.
They say Nature abhors a vacuum – tragically, in the case of Terry “Big T” Sterns, it was his eagerness to fill the vacuum with more and more of himself that resulted in this singularity.
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Tags: Addiction, Bodybuilding, Dianabol, Flash Fiction, fridayflash, Humour, Trenbolone, Writing
Hilarious, ‘post grad chemist’ = no success with the ladies, tee hee. Although to be honest, to a Southerner, just articulating the word “Beeston” brings huge smiles of appreciation.
Nice subversion of the bon mot – I think you passed that bit of the exercise with flying colours.
The notion of a steady flow of steroids rather than quantities is an interesting one, because certain food dieticians recommend a similar regime…
Delicious stuff and how highly fitting that he exploded.
marc nash
quite different though I must say very imaginative and clearly you had some fun here. quality write which has become your hallmark.
Edna Bell… splattered… there is so much funny stuff going in here. Love how your tongue is lodged so firmly in cheek.
There is no au gratin here. And I hear what you’re saying: minima maxima sunt.
Well. . . I must say, this is different than the “usual” but I can’t complain. I was really into it waiting for the big bang at the end! <– No pun intended! 🙂
Jim
Yes, different, but oh so funny. You’ve packed so much into this piece of flash I think it almost suffers from bigorexia itself.
Thanks for a good laugh today. Great prompt – and a great read.
Quite the ‘faux pa’ for Terry! Well done execution in the Blackwood Style. Aur revoir!
Quite enjoyed this…much appreciation and enjoyment for how you took this writing exercise and flambéd it.
Having spent some time in London, surreptitiously reading a certain newspaper, I really laughed at the Page Three reference!
This must have been a blast to write! It certainly was to read. I must also say that Edna Bell is one of the greatest character names EVER.
Sometimes, you read a story that feels like the author enjoyed every word written, and that fun excludes on the page….
I loved this silliness. I’m going to watch for the next reality show for bigorexics.
This was a riot!
You had me from “bigorexia.” Tremendous!
“he never had a bon mot to say about anybody.” *laughs!* And oh, what an ending. Very fitting. Now he’s even bigger than himself.
RIP Big T, you were too beautiful for this world 🙁
(Great story)
You know lately I’ve been hittin’ the weights, drinking protein shakes, playing the wii for cardio trying to earn my self a nickname like Big T. But unfortunately my parents still call me Pooh-Bear:(
Good stuff! Different, but still an excellent, very humorous read.
What, I disappear for two weeks and you’re writing comedy? The world’s gone topsy-turvy D:
Good story 🙂
Very funny Mazz, nice change, although being you it’s blackly comic!
Quite a change from last week, Mazz. Some of those bodybuilders look like they’re on the verge of exploding, so this one seemed very real to me. Good job.
Y’know, there is a version of body dysmorphic disorder that men have, kind of a “manorexia” phenomenon where they feel that they do need to keep working out and getting bigger. Your tone and delivery were fantastic, as usual. I was not anticipating the ending — that was the best part!
CD
I liked the idea of using an obituary format. I also appreciate the specificity of the subject matter. In the interest of full disclosure, I confess that I intend to steal both those tactics for my bag o’ tricks.
Loved this, absolutely loved it! If whoever writes my obit does half as good a job as you have with Terry’s, I’ll be well pleased; dead, but well pleased!
*snort* – that was great!!
That was great fun.
“…enough whey to sink armies of Miss Muffets.” -hysterical.
Abnormally large rats. HAA!
Terry was on a serious cocktail! So funny, yet so tragic. W’ll miss him! ~ Olivia
This story of bigorexia had to end tragically with a bang. Funny stuff Mazz, this guy’s RIPped…
Maybe it says a lot about journalists that this seemed just like something pulled straight out of the local paper.
Bigorexia, Big T, only four percent bodyfat, armies of Miss Muppets! You’re a natural Maria – you should stick with Monty Pythonesque flash for a few weeks!
That was hilarious! So well-crafted!!
I hope that bigorexia isn’t contagious! Your humor is though.
Hilarious and very well written. My first husband was a bodybuilder and I pictured him as I read this piece. Of course when he exploded at the end, it made it all the more enjoyable. 🙂
Brilliant Mazzz, spluttered my protein shake all over my ibid! Wonderfuel stuff.
Never had a bon mot to say about anybody, huh? I think Poe himself would have a chuckle over this one.
Fantabulosa. Bigorexia? Love it, just love it.
thanks for the much needed hilarity! peace…
Totally gross, but funny. Talk about reaching critical mass.
I’m still giggling and I read this earlier 🙂 Great and funny flash Maria, love it!