Hairpiece
05.14.10
Brandon T Davidson Jr walked out of the Dale & Biedermann offices with a spring in his step. The merger negotiations between WestChem and PharmRX were going remarkably well – the deal was likely to be made within days and his bonus would be astronomical. This was not, however, the main cause of his good mood: that would soon be attached to his head and indistinguishable from his own hair.
He had been devastated when his father had smugly pointed out to him that his hair was thinning at the back. Ever since he had agonised over his thinning patch in the bathroom mirror, with the help of a handheld one. It wasn’t obvious at all, but the image of Brandon Sr would spring to mind: completely bald but for a wispy fringe at the front and a couple more behind the ears. His father had started losing his hair at forty, a threshold that he himself would be crossing soon. Every woman he had dated – and there had been many – had confessed their initial attraction to be due to his hair. Ever since his teens he had taken great care with styling it; always with the perfect mix of fashion and respectability. He was overcome by gloom at the thought of his genetics bearing down upon him, wielding shears like Delilah.
Finally, a stray thought flung him out of his dejection: technology had advanced and there were such things as hair transplants. A man of means in this day and age need not go baldly into that good night. The merger negotiations were beginning to take on momentum so he would be too busy over the coming days to look into the matter properly, but it would not do for anyone, especially his underlings at Dale & Biedermann, to notice that he was losing his hair. Displaying enough vanity to get hair transplants would surely lose him Alpha-male points in the workplace. In such a cutthroat business as Mergers and Acquisitions that would not do at all. He decided he would get a toupee as an interim measure. He remembered having seen a wig store in a respectable part of town and made his way there at his earliest opportunity.
So it was that Brandon came to find himself in the store of J.A.Peabody, Purveyor of Gentleman’s Hair Solutions. The store’s interior had such an Olde Worlde feel to it that he was instantly charmed. The manager, J.A. Peabody himself, was a most solicitous middle-aged British man who spoke in the clipped tones of a BBC news presenter, which reassured Brandon further about the respectability of the establishment. While Peabody searched through samples to find the hair that best matched Brandon’s own, they made polite conversation and Brandon talked about life in Mergers and Acquisitions and previous high-profile deals he had been involved in.
“I have found just the thing,” Peabody said, and Brandon turned to see him standing by a strange mannequin head. It had a face painted onto it – a woman’s face, which he found a little odd in such a store. The eyes were green with crude black lines defining their contours, and no pupils sat in their centre. This, coupled with the greyish colour of the rest of the face, gave the head an eerie look. He was glad he was sitting down – had he been walking around the room he had no doubt those eyes would be following him everywhere. He was relieved when Peabody came to affix the toupee onto his head and distracted him from the painted stare.
Once the toupee was on, all such thoughts were banished from his mind. He left the store feeling like he had a new lease of life. He resumed the merger negotiations with a fresh verve, and the following days went smoothly, with the two companies ready to agree terms. Only his sleep had been fretful; he would wake up in the night with a feeling of anxiety and that he was being watched. Each morning, he would laugh and put it down to long hours and paranoia that he might have left merger documents where unauthorised eyes could see them – he told himself this always happened during deals like this.
Eventually the merger was signed off, and he could relax. He went to the washroom to freshen up before heading off to a long celebratory lunch with the team. A colleague walked out of a cublicle and greeted him.
“You’ve got something stuck in your hair,” he said and left the room. Brandon paled and, ensuring he was alone in the washroom, took out the pocket mirror he now always carried with him, and inspected the back of his head in horror. The toupee was curling a little at the edges. He was furious – he had paid top dollar for this. For it to be spoiled already was unacceptable; he stormed over to Peabody’s shop to give the man a piece of his mind.
Peabody was in such obvious dismay at the sight of the failed toupee, and so eager to not only refund him but offer him a new toupee free of charge, that Brandon was disarmed. The toupee was removed, and an agreement reached that Brandon should return the following day.
“You’ll see my latest project in the news tomorrow,” he told Peabody, leaving with a smile. Peabody lingered by the entrance until he was sure Brandon was out of sight, then flipped the sign to “Closed” and locked the door. He took the toupee over to the eerie mannequin and placed it on its head. The mannequin opened its mouth and started talking, while Peabody listened intently and took notes. When it had finished, he exhaled sharply. He had been right to use one of the special toupees. Two weeks ago he had got lucky with a smalltime match fixer but this – this was the jackpot. He got on the phone to his stockbroker.
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Tags: Flash Fiction, fridayflash, Mergers and Acquisitions, toupee, Writing
This story was inspired by a #fridayflash from a few weeks ago, by Al Bruno. The mental image I got, of a toupee hanging on for dear life, was what did it.
The story in question is here:
http://albruno3.blogspot.com/2010/03/local-heroes-beyond-pale_18.html
Very cool of you to credit Bruno for inspiration. Big ups.
My favorite line was, “A man of means in this day and age need not go baldly into that good night.” Now that’s a hilarious mutation. I like his attitude.
mazzie, that was so cool, just like out of twilight zone. sometimes i see such bad ones, you’d think they could talk and walk. this had great pace and just the right edge, a fun read.
Terrific story! I also loved the line about going baldly into that good night. Rage, rage against the combover!
Missed you these last weeks, Mizz Mazzz. So glad to see you back on the flash circuit and just loved your story. Had me wondering right up to the brilliant end.
HAHA. This was clever, clever, clever! The idea of a toupee as a spy? Insanely genius. You’d make a killing in private investigation. 😉
Clever, outrageous and I loved it! I’m actually surprised there’s no dead bodies here this week (smile).
You and Al have enviable imaginations.
“need not go baldly into that good night” slayed me.
Since the mannequin head was female and there was that foreshadowing of her creepy eyes, I thought that he was going to suddenly grow eyes in the back of his head, like the ones that are issued the day a woman becomes a mom.
But an eavesdropping device …didn’t see that coming. Very nice.
Karen :0)
Pitch-perfect on so many levels… and yeah, props to Bruno as well
Great fun – have always thought there’s something inherently creepy about toupees and your story definitely supports that!
A delicate vein of humour moves through this piece, so well controlled. Very funny in places and you kept me guessing about the ending right up to the reveal. Great as usual.
Ha! Oh Peabody. Very clever. Makes me want to check every bit of my clothing, too.
This is so rich! I was making up my own gags. I’m sure there’s one with mergers & acquisitions and the interweave of scalp & toupee just can’t quite think of it for the life of me.
Anyway, back to the story. 1) Genius twist 2) wielding shears like Delilah – fabulous 3) There’s going to be hell toupee (sorry couldn’t resist).
My Dad was actually prosecuted for insider dealing. But that just made me roar out loud even more at your ending…
Great fun
Hilarious, Maria! I’ve missed you. You didn’t sacrifice any virgins this week but this was priceless. Oh the vanity…
Gives a whole new meaning to “eyes in the back of your head.”
I had a boyfriend many years ago who was going bald and he told me the irony of it all – was men who go bald actually have higher levels of testosterone than their fully headed friends. And this seemed to fit with Brandon’s professional modus operendi.
I just love the idea of a ‘possessed’ toupee – because hell, there is ‘something evil’ about pretend hair.
I had no I idea where this was going at first — I thought the toupee would fall off at a crucial moment or something! Very intriguing idea though, makes me wonder who else has been given a special toupee!
Excellent job of misdirection! I expected something sinister about the hair, to take over his mind and operate his body or something. (Wasn’t that a Simpsons episode?)
A very good piece, and how kind of you to credit Al with the inspiration. Bravo! 🙂
Well done mazzz… well done. Descriptions were great and the concept was brilliant.
Jim
I did not see that coming, expecting a toupee attack or something of the sort. And that creepy mannequin, nice touch, Mazz.
Very cool story! Lots of fun to read.
That creepy mannequin kind of reminds me of Chuckie…
Such a great piece Mazzz, loved it 🙂
I did not see that coming at all! Cool idea!
Mazzz, you are a never-ending source of excellently told amusing and thrilling stories. I loved it. (and I confess I saw part of it coming… but I think that’s what you intended… building the tension)
Ha! Awesome…I started cringing as soon as toupee was mentioned. Nothing good ever comes out of a toupee! This was a great spy idea…I have no idea why I feel so creeped out. 🙂
Well done. Definitely an eerie feel to this one. I never realized how scary toupees could be. I will think twice if I ever have to get one.
A tale about a hairpiece from you had me on edge – would it sink tentacles into the man’s brain, turning him into an alien creature? But you kept it light and this sentence: “A man of means in this day and age need not go baldly into that good night” really made me laugh. Good one!
Ha! What a great twist! I’m also glad that your MC isn’t going to be killed by the toupee. Or maybe that’s next week’s story?
CD
“A man of means in this day and age need not go baldly into that good night. ”
What a FANTASTIC line!
And it’s in a great story to boot.
That was a twisted story. Well done! I agree with the others about the ‘going baldly into this good night’ being a killer line. BTW, we Davidsons are indeed fussy about our hair…I could tell you stories…
Welcome back Mazzz we missed you! And this was worth waiting for. Loved the “need not go baldly…” line and the end was hilarious.
So enjoyed this wonderfully clever story! Great misdirection with the spooky mannequin.
Dylan Thomas would be so pleased. 🙂
Hilarious Mazzz! “…wielding shears like Delilah” – my favorite line. Brilliantly told!
I’ve got to comment on Karen’s comment about ‘eyes in the back of your head when becoming a mom.’ I once told my step-daughter, who was 9 years old at the time, thats what actually happens when a woman gives birth and she believed me! She was genuinely frightened and it took me days to make her realize I was joking, well, sort of anyway. 🙂
This is brilliant – I guessed from the eyes and Brandon’s feeling of being watched that there was some sort of surveillance going to be involved somewhere, but I’d sidetracked myself into the idea of some kind of haunting and the thought of a highly original kind of insider trading never occurred to me!
Very skilful and inventive, and an excellent story. 🙂
This is great and really funny.
This: “…wielding shears like Delilah,” and this: “A man of means in this day and age need not go baldly into that good night” made me laugh out loud.
Very imaginative, and who isn’t creeped out by “rugs”? Excellent stuff.
Oh I loved this. He shall not go baldly into that good night!!! Hilarious. Just very clever and told like a classic. Nicely done.
I’ve always though toupees were creepy and this just bolsters their creepiness. I didn’t see the twist coming, so that was fun! Loved the phrase “Purveyor of Gentleman’s Hair Solutions.” I’ll be back again next week!
I’m not sure what I expected, but that was not it, and it was great. Well done! I love the Dylan Thomas homage, too, of course. 🙂
You nailed the voice (and attitude and everything!) of your main character in this. Pitch perfect. I loved the twist at the end.
Well done.
Brilliantly dark, I love it! The twist was wonderful.
I was thinking while reading this one that it sounded different; had a different tone to it. You really caught the voice and feel of the story here. Rod Serling would have liked the twist.
Ohh, I knew there was something going on with that mannequin, but you surprised me all the same. Brilliant!
Brilliant. I was expecting something a little more gruesome. This was delightfully sneaky.
HA! Brilliance!
~2
I lean toward people with British accents when looking for reputable resumes 😉